L i n g e r

2008-11-25T23:51:00.001+08:00

I adore and look forward to November every year.. because I'm a damn scorpio born on the 9th. but over the years.. at least for the last three that I can recall has all been..well, times that are less than desired.

Somehow or rather, once the day has passed. dreadful things happen. I think it's me being damned. Last year was the perfect example. And this year, just about sums up everything. I'm probably paying for all the things that I did last year and the year before.. what a way to pay for them! Can I exchange all of it with a few pieces of me instead ? Hell, you can take half of me if you want to.

I lost an important piece. The other soul that makes up the half of the heart. Can't cry hard enough to get back what was once there.

damn.. what the hell happened to me ? I didn't even try to do anything. In the first place, I didn't even try hard enough for things to work. =(

2008-11-04T23:21:00.002+08:00

I finally stepped foot back into the gym. After a long break of 6months. It's painful. Maybe much more painful than when I first started. But, I feel afresh ! Woot!

Well, #26 is just a few more days away. I get to celebrate it this year... Yay ! Still no birthday cake. But, that's beside the point. What's important is the person who's sitting opposite me during dinner. The one, I hold hands with. ;)

2008-10-26T13:16:00.002+08:00

yesterday I brought my shoei to bikelab and gave it to Joshua. He asked me, you really don't want it already, no more bikes.. so you're serious about this. I smiled to him and kept quiet..

Deep down, I could not give the man a honest answer to his question. Because, I really want to ride fast and fly around the track.. But, right now.. I really can't. It's the most sensible decision to make in this difficult situation.

If I had the funds, I would.. try even harder than Amba. Even if I fall harder than him. I still would try. I had so much fun during MSS 08 on the R6. It's really what I would describe as one hell of a motorsiao experience. To ride the bike hard and carrying so much speed thru the corners. I know that I still had alot in me left to push. But, the fears of crashing and repair bills really put me off. And the ever escalating costs of participating in the races were just too much to bear with.

I swear, if I make it within the next 3 years. I will stage my comeback with Joshua and Thamo. And make it right to the top of the podium.

1min 12secs on my second outing on the R6 was no hoax. Give me one good chance, and I will prove it to you all what I'm all about.

2008-10-15T20:51:00.001+08:00

This Christmas is going to be soo white, you won't be able to imagine how nice it's going to be !

ps, i love you. =p

2008-10-07T22:47:00.002+08:00

okay !! I'm back.. finally. Been busy lately.. sailing out for all those nonsense.

It's official, no more racing already.

I still have the bad habit of disappearing into thin air without informing anyone. Especially my Gf.. sooner or later I will get slapped if I don't change.

Maybe it's because I've been too accustomed to living on my own. Where I don't answer to anybody at all. Just doing what I want whenever I want.

Now, it's different. Not that I dislike the way things are now. It's better in a good sense. I no longer say "I Don't Care" Because I care, for her and other things in life now.

The perspective has just taken on a whole new look. And, I'm taking in well..

sometimes, I still hum to myself.. "I squeezed on the brake lever hard to slow down and take a look around me; and I saw you..."

it's definitely nice to have you around.. because it's always laughter and more laughter. =D

2008-09-17T19:28:00.002+08:00

Yesss ! She accepted ! And so, I go flying over the moon and around the universe screaming YaaHoooOO ! I almost burst my throat screaming.. Hahaha. Okay, the latter part was just me daydreaming when I saw her sms.

And so, I will be a good boy from now on. No more motorbikes and racing. Yes, I am serious.
I slowed down my life to take a good clear look around me. And I saw her.
Now, with her. I will work even harder.

2008-09-07T23:52:00.002+08:00

Choices..

Life's struggles.. everyday.

I'm waiting.. I'm not the most patient person.. but I'm waiting. Patience is a virtue which I do not possess. But, I'm cultivating it right now.. not easy. In fact, tough to swallow.

I'm not giving up, I'm learning to live with it.

2008-09-01T23:09:00.008+08:00

Yeap.. I bought myself a new digital camera. After so long. I decided to get one finally. Had some fun with it earlier today.. Hehehe. It's a Canon IXUS 860i.

Bought a giant Razer mousepad for S$17 as well. It was the last piece, otherwise I would've gotten two.

You can see how big it is.. Hehehe; Bang for buck eh..

Some shots while trying out the camera..

And my newEdifier speakers.. this is of course not the speakers. But, just the volume control. =P

My free Fugly leather pouch.. courtesy of Canon. -__-

The parting shot.. Razer Lycosa keyboard.. =P me trying to get an arty-farty shot..

2008-08-30T02:30:00.002+08:00

It's COMEX 2008 ! Time to get some new stuff for my upcoming CPU..

Another Nintendo DS Lite is on its way in two weeks time...

Well, not much happening nowadays.. weekdays are usually spend at home playing Dota with my colleagues and the occasional dinner date with a particular someone.

Speaking of her, I'll be lying if I say I have not fallen head over heels for her. Nonetheless.. things go s l o w l y this time...

let's see how things roll along...

In another 6weeks time.. it'll be "one last song; one last dance" with Darth Vader at Sepang, KL. MotoGP support race which is MSS Round 5. The penultimate round of 2008 and my testimonial race. As I will hang up my suit and helmets thereafter.

It'll be painful for me.. but I will still do it. Three years, for all this time.. my commitment and perseverance for the sports I love has taken me to many places and I've got to known a lot of people. I also know just how far I could go on my own.

A season full of ups and downs. I had my piece of fun and I also took a beating on the tracks when I was down. It was never going to be easy with the meagre support and sponsors we could get. Although, we tried very hard.

After this, life starts all over again.. Time to lead a proper life, settle down abit and hopefully find a soulmate to share my life with. =)

I'll miss the fun of riding the bike at full speed breaking past the 250kph mark and leaning the bike far over for the turns. It's so much fun... but the end of one chapter marks the beginning of another.

2008-08-24T15:58:00.001+08:00

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Wanna find out more about yourself ?

Click here !

2008-08-20T23:57:00.001+08:00

If you're willing to take the chance. The view is spectacular on the other side. =P

2008-08-03T15:57:00.003+08:00

been a while !

Not much, but I just broken my rubrick after just two days of ownership.. =( Talk about being very impatient and not taking care of my things properly.

Don't really like my S$116 raZer Lycosa keyboard... makes too much noise when I type on it. crappy.. but it's great when gaming on it. But the mouse works great though.

Nothing is going on lately, no practice at all.. because I'm taking a break from it. But, working on my cardio and personal fitness.. need to get back into shape with just two months to go. It's been a damn long time since I worked out. =)

I got started again ! Hehe, with time on hand. I can afford to regulate alternate days to train now. Feels great to be able to keep to my own schedule. Just hate those times when I couldn't plan my personal life due to my lousy and screwed up work schedule.

Apart from all these.. I enjoy not being deployed out.. because I have a fixed schedule. No worries about being activated or deployed out for a long time.

I'm gotta crash for now.. tired from the morning's workout and catching up on Prison break.. =D

See u guys soon..

2008-07-26T09:42:00.003+08:00

The feeling came back for a while yesterday. But it's gone again.. The feeling to ride fast came back to me but I forgotten what triggered it or how it feels like right now.

It felt great when it came back for a while. Vicious and ruthless; I had it once more. To ride ridiculously fast and the madness. Guess, I can't conjure up enough to bring it till Sunday. It's gone away from me. So, I guess.. this is it for me.

Too many things in the head leading to all kinds of mess.

I bought the 22" monitor that I've been wanting for weeks yesterday. Hehehe, feels fantastic to stare at a 22" monitor instead of squinting my eyes over my 14" laptop display. Hahaha, and now.. more games and movies and dramas will follow. =D Alrite !!!

2008-07-20T04:04:00.002+08:00

nice try, i don't like hide and seek nowadays. Call me old, but I've grown out of it.

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. But it feels when you need something, then you come to me. Otherwise, I'm left alone at some corner of your room. Left to collect dust and whatever.

21bucks down the drain. Not that I don't have the money. But, I felt let down by you.

Duhh, and I'm brooding over it. Disturbed by it..

I feel disgusted with how I handle myself over this...

2008-07-17T23:05:00.002+08:00

I'm back !

I didn't join the rest of the crew for the overseas deployment. Which means I'm at the office everyday now. =)

I still have some issues to sort out at work. I need to settle them before 08 comes to a close.

Life on the track has not been smooth. I'm going through a rough patch now, hitting lots of bumps and ruts. I was on the verge of giving up after the last round. After I sat down and reflected on myself. I've decided to stick with it, put my head down and ride out the last round in Oct. I have to believe in myself that I can. For, I've done it once. I can surely do it once again.

Oh yah, I just bought a new watch. Hmm, the first watch I ever bought for myself. A Seiko Criteria Limited Edition.. There's only 2008 pieces and mine's 1382 of 2008. =D

I'm still working towards a Breitling and Hamilton though. This is just a start.. ;)

2008-07-03T22:29:00.002+08:00

Still waiting for my new desktop and 22inch monitor. =P How about that.. also, I'm not joining the rest of the guys for the overseas deployment. Great news for me, I can finally sleep in peace.

All that's left now is to get ready for MSS Round 4.

2008-07-02T01:33:00.002+08:00

Everything is just crazy ever since I returned from MSS Round 3. After the crash, everything just seems to go wrong at work. And I mean literally everything !

From getting activated on Monday to sail till Thursday. And being activated once more on Friday night just drives me crazy. And a less than lukewarm response after my interview is driving me to the wall !

I hate them all and I just want out.

period.

2008-06-27T02:25:00.002+08:00

Each day spend at work is just full of nonsense and screw ups. So, it does not comes as a surprise to me anymore when shit happens at work. So much for being an organization with the latest technology and management. They are just backwards in their thinking and many other things as well.

Not that I am pampered and spoilt. I can live with such "defects" at work. But, I'm not going to live with them. I shall fight for what I believe in and what I want in my work. Which equates to what I want in life.

All these aside, life goes on. Still gotta plan for next year's studies and the hassle of selling my prized possessions at the end of the race season.

Apart from these, I'm getting a new desktop again ! Getting a pre-owned rig from an IT friend of mine. Decided to get one just for gaming and watching movies. It's been a long while since I played games. And considering desktops are so much cheaper now. I'm going to indulge in one. And one that comes with a 22" monitor. Hehehe, how about it. It's bigger than the TV in my room. =P

I plan to upgrade with another two SATA internal HDD when my rig reaches my home in another week. Perhaps two 320GB ? And also considering the possibilites of upgrading the graphics card as well. To a much more powerful and later version. Of course, all these must be within my budget. =D

And then, the most boring part.. Being send overseas for work.. and the longest trip this year. 6weeks out. First to Surabaya, Indonesia then to Darwin,Australia and finally to Bali, Indonesia.. No one is looking forward to it at all. Everyone's just saying it's crazy..

My opinion, it cannot get anymore worst than this already... that's why I plan to leave when my time comes. Yeah, fuck them all.. My day will come and I will be laughing at them all the way when it happens.

2008-06-24T21:46:00.002+08:00

one frustrating weekend followed by a torrid week at work.. It cannot get any better than this.

Everyone were fed up with how things are being managed at work. Needless for me to say, I'm tops when it comes to voicing out and going against the management.

Three weeks, that's how long it took for them to "process" my request. When all it took was just words from the mouth for them to arrange an interview for me. How difficult can it be ? Or maybe, I think, I'm non essential. That's why the long delay.

I'm losing sleep over all these issues, work.. finances and many other little things for me to meddle with.

Losing the whole thing completely soon, I can't keep myself in control.. finding myself doing ridiculous things at times.. and it's getting more frequent..

2008-06-04T21:11:00.002+08:00

The emotional rollercoaster.. the one I dread most.

I'm on it again.. at the worst possible time of all. A walking wreck at work, with zero devotion to my work because of the management. I've simply given up on them. My patience has reached its limit now. I cannot take it anymore.

I wonder, was it a wrong move right from the beginning ? Did I chose the wrong option to pursue my dream. I'm riding the dream now. But, I've had to make numerous sacrifices for it. Is it worthwhile at all ?

It seems that for a dream, I've lost practically everything. Even right now, as I try to start life all over again. It's so damn difficult for me. I'm trying though.

Even back home, I've nothing to look forward to. Neverending mindless arguements which leads to nowhere.

The future is bleak and a piece of darkness, seemingly making me a blind man wandering aimlessly while I search wildly for a cue in direction out of this darkness.

Tonight, I'm a total emotional wreck sitting in front of the laptop. I don't know why. Perhaps, it is seeing all my work buddies leaving me one after another and with more to follow in their footsteps. I start to feel desperate as I bide my time for my turn to come.

All this aside, my personal life has never picked up or even kickstarted at all ever since then. I'm on the verge of giving it all up. My one shot at it hasn't and doesn't seems to going where I want it to be.

My chosen path of pursuing a dream where most could only be spectators and watch in awe. I am left being the onlooker envious of everyone else that are blissfully attached.

Perhaps, I'm not chasing a dream. Rather, in pursuit of bliss with another like minded soul on this world.

2008-05-28T22:19:00.002+08:00

I just hate going to work.. not that I mind working. But, I mind working for a bunch of ingrates and indecisive pricks.

They're selfish faggots. I've never seen people who are so self centered and care so much only about themselves.

Since they can only think and care about themselves, why am I going to care for them ? No way, nowadays. I only work and care for my friends. Do you think I care ? Not anymore..

All these aside,

Can I just say.. I like someone. But, I'm missing something in me. Should I ask her or should I not ? Rejection is not in the equation, I just don't know if I can do it or not.. Can I sustain in another relationship ? Should I even be trying to start one right now..

I don't know, many questions in many aspects that I'm confused over what I should do..
as usual, I'm a big pile of mess when it comes to this.

2008-05-16T00:41:00.002+08:00

I need to unwind soon..

With a load on my mind, I must focus on the race ahead in less than two weeks time. I've been training.. jogging up and down the hills at least thrice weekly.

What happens thereafter when I speak my mind.. we shall see. Maybe, it'll be good. Maybe, it won't. The truth will speak for itself in another few weeks time.

Work is stale.. and sickening with all the extras going on and more extras getting introduced for good reasons and some for no good reasons. Whatever, it is. I'm leaving for a new start, new challenge in time to come. Quote from my good buddy, "You have the world at your feet" All I need to do, is to step out of my comfort zone and venture into the great unknown. For all I know, I might stumble upon a bigger life than I've ever imagined. All it takes, is just two steps. To bring both my feet out of this organisation and start from scratch.

Easier said than done, but for someone of me.. One, who has always loved taking risks and right up to the extremes. I have faith in myself that I will do it !

so for now, fuck you guys.. I'm saying adieu when the time is here for me ! Hahaha

2008-05-11T23:44:00.002+08:00

emotional roller coaster.. been going up and down.. perhaps it's a tad too much for myself to take.

Sometimes, I feel lonely and depressed.

At times, I feel happy like never before. Maybe, I've forgotten what it is like to be happy once again. The only times, I'm happy is with my friends and going out with her. Other than that.. Coming home is more stressful than going to work or sailing.

I detest coming home, the only reason to go home. Are my laptop, internet and my stuff are all in my room. My room is probably my only solace back at home. Or so it seems, until my room was seemingly invaded by a fucking stupid perfume sprayed into my room. Fuck off, there are 101 places for you to spray. Not my room, keep away from my room. And, do you even know your son is sensitive to sudden heavy doses of scents. I only like the scents I've chosen. Don't even try. I don't like anything else that I didn't pick. I am picky and sensitive because this is the only place I can still call my own. Rightfully, it isn't mine either. Which explains the state it is in.

Yah, whatever .. I don't care.

Happiness is hard to come by nowadays, nonetheless. I'm still working hard for it. I've been enjoying my time with her. Somehow, I always look forward to it. Or maybe, it's still in the infancy stages.. which will explain my emotion.

Round 2 is two weeks away. Work is damn hectic, I can hardly find time off to train.. nonetheless, I'm going to show them what I'm made of.

I wish for you to take me away... Free from all these troubles and worries. Nevermind my friends. I can watch them from afar and smile.. because I'd be free finally and eternally.

2008-05-04T11:06:00.002+08:00

I'm back ! it's been a damn long time since I last blogged..

Been busy, work.. traveling up to KL to race and back. Actually, I think I spend more time going out with my friends nowadays. Or should I say just one particular friend. LOL, oh well..

Round 2 is in three weeks time ! Hurray ! can't wait to go race again. It's so much more fun than I could even imagine.

Taiwan was fun, perhaps I might revisit them in Nov or Dec.. Pending how my finances work out to be.

Training has started again.. I'm on the hard pain route once again. Gotta push hard to bring my fitness to an all new level. I want to ride each race at my hardest and even harder than the previous.

Sometime I still think of the past.. how long it has been already. And how painful it was back then.. and I wonder, where I am now and what lies next.

2008-04-17T19:16:00.002+08:00

Okay, the feeling sucks now.. I don't like it one bit at all. Because I'm going to be flying off to Taiwan early morning tomorrow. And I know very well, that I'm going to miss her.. =(

So how... what should I do ? Time is running short....

2008-04-17T01:00:00.002+08:00

MSS round 1 is over... thanks to their computer system which has gone bonkers. Nobody has any finalized results till now. Nonetheless, I had a pretty good showing during the weekend and was doing a pretty decent pace. Considering it's my first time riding the circuit on a totally new bike which I had only ridden once before.

Bike was sweet and extremely fast down the straights. Don't ask me why, the bike engine is just that much stronger than other bikes.

I'm going to leave for Taiwan this Friday morning. Can't really bear to leave though. Hmm, let's just say, I can't bear to leave my very good friend behind. I enjoy her company and those quirky moments together. Am I going to say, I'm falling for her ? Hahaha =P that is very much the question that everyone would be asking; I supposed.

I can say that I like her, but to what extent? We'll all find out as time passes by and another chapter of my life is inked into my memories..

2008-04-11T02:46:00.002+08:00

It's been a while !

Yes ! The long wait is over, I'm going to race this weekend. On a R6. The dream is going to come true and the long wait for this day has finally drawn to an end.

All the stress and pressure has finally settled. I'm able to participate; the bike is ready. All that's left is for me to show what I can do. That is to ride the balls off the R6.

To top it all off, I'm sponsored by Verity and Shogun and supported by Bikelab. =)

All these aside..

Life is pretty sweet and happy nowadays.. nope, I'm not seeing anyone. Hmm, just hanging out with a particular someone most of the time though. I like her company, but this time round. I'm treading slowly and carefully. Due to my race commitments, I cannot diverge too far away. I've to remain focus and channel all my energy into the right place.

I will be leaving for KL in another hour's time. See you guys all soon !

2008-04-03T21:39:00.002+08:00

It's exactly one week to go now. 7 days, as I begin the countdown. Make it or break it.. it'll be all to show in the first race.

I'm going to be on the 6. It's decided already. As of now, my R1 is being stripped and all the standard parts are being fitted back including the fairings. I'm looking at selling the R1 back to the shop by May. Or hopefully sooner.

As for the 6, Lionel calls her Darth Vader; young Jedi because of her colours. I've prepared 3 sets of tires for this young Jedi as I embarked on a new journey with her coming this Sunday. Sunday, I'll be travelling up north to Sepang for practice. Thereafter, the bike will be back to Bikelab to be race prepped, fairings and exhaust.

Put everything on the line to fulfill a lifelong dream.. I'll take bigger risks to make sure I stand on the highest spot of the podium.

Don't take away the things that make me happy.. I'll break..

2008-03-27T22:22:00.002+08:00

I'm beginning to enjoy the company I have.. so by spending more time. There seems to be more things in common than I expected. We kinda hit it off on the right note now..

This year, there might not be any Superbike Novice class. Superbike refers to 1000cc bikes. Due to insufficient entries. If this really happens, I will be competing in Supersports Novice. Supersports meaning 600cc bikes. Yes, you all ask the right question. I don't have a bike, how do I participate. My good brother, Lionel has agreed to lend me his 08 R6 in stock trim to compete. I feel very bad to request for his help. But, I'm really left with no choice. With sponsors and everything all in. I really must compete.

If I'm riding his bike, all his parts will be paid for by me. After which, once the season ends. I will sell the whole package which I installed on his bike to him. And thus, I will strip and sell my R1 to make way for more funds available. Should I be racing on his R6...

2008-03-26T17:35:00.002+08:00

It's so fucking easy to go backwards and dwell on the past. Then to move on forward. Why is moving forward so difficult. I'm trying so goddamn hard to move on. Moving on, it's pretty fun. I enjoy the laughter and quirky moments.

But, I just can't seem to dump the past behind me and grab the present and move on forward.

Matters of the heart aside..

I'm almost certain that I will be excused and thus I will make it to KL. Haven't rode for some time now. I'm going to start training up my fitness in preparation for round 1. Bike is almost done. Just short of placing the orders for the new suit and some other stuff.. haven't seen Joshua in a while. Everyone is busy getting ready.. people like me, having busted the budget big time.. is working extra for money...

I'm expecting myself to go up and fight with all I have and come back victorious. Nothing less is going to be acceptable.

2008-03-20T23:00:00.002+08:00

What can I say.. ? I'm very stressed up. Not over work or riding. But the fact that I can't get my leave approved.

I've been grinding my teeth non stop lately.. I know it's due to this unresolved issue. Haven't slept well since then.

Can't think of much to write, my mind is pretty wrecked up from all the endless thinking to resolve the issue....

2008-03-13T01:09:00.002+08:00

I'm now officially a Verity Bikelab rider. Just had a meeting with the people from the company tonight. With backing, things are different. There's a strong emphasis to perform and bring in the results. Which means, I'm going to have to put in a lot of extra mileage. I'm more than willing to do so, as long as I have lap times and results to show.

Work is pretty routine, I'll have to get medical excuse soon in order for me to compete in all 5 rounds this year. No choice, to achieve something. First, you have to give up everything.

Riding, now all three of us are taking a short break. As, all the bikes are being stripped down for a complete servicing and thorough checks. And the fairings going for another respray which is thankfully paid for by Sikkens Paint. From now till April, I'll be doing a lot of cardio training accompanied by light weights training to keep myself in shape. Although, there's no doubt. During this break, riding fitness will go down.

Every now and then, when I see your photo. I still miss you a lot..

2008-03-10T00:26:00.002+08:00

I've only been home once in two weeks.. how about that hectic and tiring work schedule.

Still not getting any better. I'm trying. But, most of the places I go to. I feel nostalgic when I step foot on them. Brings back fond memories.

Most of the time, I'm at a loss.. Not knowing what I want, or do.

It's March now, April will be here soon. My first race will take place very soon.

Work has taken up most of the time now. I've slumped to the state that I've to take MC just to get some time off and let off steam. Finally managed to catch a movie with my law breaking buddy, Winston just now.. =P

Not much to write about right now.. I'm so tired, I'm drawing blanks in my mind..

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."- Lao Tzu

2008-03-02T20:05:00.002+08:00

My mouth, I keep saying that I'm moving on, have moved on..and looking forward to other things in life.

But the truth is, I still have never forgotten you one bit at all. Everything and anything that I had with you. I've never forgotten..it's still all etched deeply in my mind. Needless to type out what I remember, because if I do so. This input tonight will never end.

Last night I dreamt of you; again. For the umpteen times. Despite being very tired and worn out from work and everything else. I had fallen into a deep slumber minutes after I crashed into bed.

Somehow, I dream of you and I stayed awake throughout thereafter.. I think it's was 4 something in the morning.

I've always miss you..even till now. I don't say it at all. But my closest friends, whom know me well. Know it best.. somehow or rather, I'm still carrying a little torch for you. It's dim, but it's still shining.

It doesn't hurt so much now, but it definitely still aches alot when I think of you.

When will I see you again......

2008-02-21T22:57:00.002+08:00

I probably have lost my license and a hefty fine is on the way now.. Lately, I've been having horrible days at work. Riding, I'm also out of sorts. Frustration has gotten the better of me.

This evening, I took my key. Inserted it into the ignition and took off with the R1. I blasted around half of Singapore. And I think, I got caught on the speed camera.. if so. There's probably no chance to appeal. Since, I was at least three times above the speed limit. Yes, I lost my head totally. My temper has taken over me. I can no longer suppress my anger and frustration which has all been cooped up.

I seriously am so distraught.. now that while I'm typing this. Suicide is floating around my mind wildly. I don't want to ride, don't want to work with that asshole officer. Am so unhappy with the way things are at work. And with the way, my track riding progress is. I want to give it all up. I feel like, if I lose my license. It signals the end of everything. I really have lost it all. Lost the whole plot totally. I can survive without the bike and license.

But, I can't seem to find a meaning to live on. My life's a mess... No, I didn't get involved in any relationships stuff. I'm seriously down and out big time. With no one to fall back on or anything for me to cling on to...

Tell me what to do...
The way I see it, end everything.

2008-02-20T00:17:00.002+08:00

Am I lacking commitment in my ride ? or lack of confidence ? or no faith in the bike ?

seriously, this time after the crash.. I really don't feel like riding anymore. Maybe you all should see the state of the bike she's in now. Everything's seems like it's going to fall apart very soon. Losing a bolt from the front wheel axle.. windscreen screws flying off on their own from vibrations. The whole front cowling is shaking when I'm going at high speed and what else, the gear lever actually came off halfway when I was just getting abit of speed.

now what, just now.. I went out on my own to some place quiet to sort my mind out.. still no conclusion.. don't know whether to give up, or to try once more.. with more commitment in my riding. If I give up, did I give up without trying hard enough ? Many questions, many thoughts.. lots of doubt in my mind..

2008-02-16T11:43:00.003+08:00

I dreamt of you last night.. a bad dream though. Don't want to talk about it again. Had a scare. I think it was down to the very tough 48 hours I spend sailing in rough seas coupled together with dehydration..

Tomorrow is Sunday, big day as I make my return after the blunder two weeks ago. And my friend, Amba.. who has laid off for almost two months following some family matters. Both of us, will be looking to get back up to speed as quickly as we can.

Let's hope for the best. May 1.41 be seen on the laptimer very soon. Let's make it happen.

2008-02-04T19:31:00.000+08:00

A lousy fall, one that should have not taken place. But, I made it happen anyway. I haven't even pinned the throttle flat out in 4th gear, I was only 3/4. I still went off and fall.

A stupid mistake, nonetheless. I survived the fall, so did the bike with a bit of misalignment and scratches. Me, I took a heavy knock on my feet and another on my shoulder, which had already been hurt last year. I took no chances this time. I went to the physician and I was in for a hell of a time. The healing pain is much more excruciating than actually falling off the bike itself. How about that..

It's all over now. I'm more determined than ever to get through that same turn with even more speed than I ever carried before. I'm going to make it through in 4th gear next time round and make it stick forever. No doubts about it. I'm just damn angry at myself. Grrr.. Rawrr !!

Not in the holiday mood at all, just want to get my bike track worthy, get back and kill every single fucking turn !

Nowadays, I've been thinking.. my life with no racing, no bikes.. would be finished... I live only for that mad rush, it's the one of the few things that I'm really happy to put my heart, soul and body totally into it.

Work, has become a routine.. more loaded than before. But, I no longer have the sense of achievement. I'll probably pack my bags and leave when time's up. Lower pay, I can accept it. To start life all over again and seek a new challenge.

In fact, to start all over again; is already a challenge itself. Freedom and being recognized for the hard work put in, is worth much more than monetary terms.

I still work hard now, not that I'm slacking off. I just don't have a sense of satisfaction anymore.

2008-01-26T23:02:00.000+08:00

I still peek at your photo every night when I'm home.. The one you send me, which I took of you. Together with #55.. it's blurry.. but it's the only keepsake I have of you. Unlike the photo. My memories of you are fresh and clear as if everything had just happened yesterday.

I miss you...

2008-01-23T22:20:00.000+08:00

The other night, I had a dream..

I dreamt, I sold the R1 and the whole 9 sets of tyres that I bought in preparation for MSS 08. I fell out with Joshua over it.. I told him, I didn't feel I can make it. When the fact was, I thought that I had you once again. Thus, I gave everything up without you saying a thing about it.

I thought about the present for a long time before I decided to give it to you. Fact is, I had plenty of time to meet you. I declined because I was thinking about it. I finally decided to meet up with you. Reason's simple, I thought.. the present for you. Shows your significance to me, even though it's been years and that you're long gone from me.

You're still Numero Uno in my heart without a shadow of a doubt. I still think of you from time to time. And sometimes, when I ride alone, shop, or even eat alone.. I still miss you. I think of how you always gave in to my nonsense.. How can I ever make it up to you this lifetime...

I think I have a hard time repaying you for everything you did for me... But, I'll still try...

Lately, I seem to have have forgotten what I gave up in life to pursue this passion and dream of mine.. lacking the motivation to try hard. Needless to say about trying harder when I'm not trying hard in the first place.

Now, I recall that I made the person I love most give up on me, because I wanted to pursue this. I must get it right.. otherwise, this sacrifice would be in vain.

2008-01-14T20:14:00.000+08:00

Life's simple.. you make choices and don't look back. Yeah right.. Life's more ironic, I reckon.

So it seems that after all this time.. I haven't really moved on. I am still stuck in my own past. One which I could never really let go of.

It is one choice which until today, I still feel guilty and a deep sense of regret for what I've done.
I always ask myself, how the hell did I actually end up making that choice on that day, at that moment. I regret it..

I thought I will move on and time would heal everything. But, somehow.. it's proven to be otherwise. Everyone I met, went out with and everything I did. Were just substitution for you whom has gone missing from my life for a long time now.

No matter how hard I tried and I still try, nothing seems to really work out at all. Yes, I am not supposed to be like this. I should have moved on and got on with life a long time ago. Or so, I thought.

Well, I did tell you about the hallucinations I had earlier on.. couple of months back. If you still remember. I told you, and only you. No one else...

I changed my mind and gave you the initial present. Because I think, it's still less than what you really mean to me. =(

I stopped riding for some time, to sort out my mind and my thoughts which were all over the place. I gathered all of it.. and here I am again. Back at ground zero, right where I started off..two years ago.

Maybe, I am foolish to still hold on to something which I've let go of so easily. I didn't cherish it well enough till it was really gone. And when it was really gone, I held on to it dearly. Depending on it to keep myself going.

It really is tough at times, if not for Joshua with his funny antics and his parting of "life's more than just this" to me.. I seriously doubt that I'd have lasted this long on my own. He's become someone whom I look up to as an elder brother. Since, I don't have the luxury of having an elder brother.

I'll stop here for now.. looks like the blogging is going to pick up again.. soon.

I'll mail the photos of the bike to you very soon. =) And don't have nightmares of the giant beef bowl. =D

2008-01-01T18:55:00.000+08:00

So it's been more than a month since I last wrote any damn thing.

It's 2008. My year now.. Like Amba said to me earlier today. Today is the first day of your year. How do you feel about it. I don't feel much except for alot of eyes and pressure on me to perform.

I've worked out a series of things to do when I get to practice this month. Once my bike is ready.

Everything aside.. Not much to say. Not seeing anyone in particular.. I'm enjoying my life as it is now.

I am constantly reminded of what I gave up to pursue what others deem as pointless and meaningless. This will serve as the point of motivation for me from now on. Sometimes, I do take a quick peek back though.. I try not to look back at all. But sometimes, getting all beaten down over the weekend just makes one want to turn back to where I first started off..

But, life's simple.. you make choice and don't look back.

2008-01-01T18:41:00.001+08:00

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2007-11-26T21:29:00.000+08:00

I've not forgotten about my blog, I choose to neglect it quite abit. Because, only sad people blog and ramble on and on.

I don't write, because I am not sad. Maybe I was, but I'm looking back in the direction which I started off with.

No, don't get the wrong idea. Am not sad today. I just thought I should write after such a long time.
In fact, I seldom feel sad nowadays. Moody, yes. Occasionally. But that can't be helped. Sometimes I pass by certain places and see certain things, I feel nostalgic.

I went to pick up my marathon race kit on Friday. And so happens, I rode by The Esplanade.. well. Everything is still fresh in my memories like they took place only yesterday. In reality, it's something that's more than three years since then. So, I've never once forgotten about everything.

Right now, I want to pick up where I left off. To get back to riding. Over the months, not only did I lose track time. I lost riding fitness and confidence. But, I'm picking it back slowly now. Fitness is coming back and so is the confidence. Well, training alot doesn't equates to riding fitness, because to be actually bike-fit. You need to ride a bike.

I practice minimally, but each practice must serve its purpose well. I must gain from it. So, I plan my practices carefully. At least a week or two in advance. I have to shave off another 4 seconds from my best lap time in order to have a real chance of being in championship contention next year in K.L..

Work is hectic these few weeks. Attending external course again.. and well. My ranking is this week as well. Hope, that I'll be ranked well against the rest. I hope my work and sweat will pay off.

That aside, actually.. I don't have much to do. Just reading alot.. novels and other stuff. Training.. keep the regime in place.

I won't update so often now.. but from time to time. I'll just maybe send a text asking how you're doing over your side. =)

2007-11-10T00:22:00.000+08:00

All I can say is, I'm really happy !

You made my day ! I hope I didn't take up all your time. But if I did, just want to tell you that I appreciated every second that ticked away in your company.

You asked me a question when we walked out of Northpoint. I didn't answer you..

What is it about you ?
It is just you that I like. Simple..

I longed to be yours.. but, I guess the time isn't right. Or wonder if it ever will be. It's okay.. I'll just take one step at a time. =)

2007-11-04T19:08:00.000+08:00

Yes, sometimes I do behave like a girl.. maybe not just sometimes.

Well, that day. I was waiting for you to answer the call all the time. Kept trying and trying. I eventually gave up after I read your text. You had your reason for not answering the call. What can I do.. nothing.

Maybe you take me only as just another friend. But, I treat you as someone different from the rest. I'd give you more.

I also understand that, as far to my knowledge and feelings. This is pretty much a one-sided affair. I know, you don't love me anymore. I don't ask nor expect anything from you at all. I can give till I have no more left. Just hoping for a miracle to happen before I run empty.

I wished that you had answered the call the other day, then it'd have been. You're there when I needed someone at that moment.

" Friends and lighthouses share the same purpose; they wait quietly on the shore while you return from your journeys, their lights guide you home safely and the strength upon which they're built lets you know they'll still be there in all types of weather."

2007-11-01T18:02:00.000+08:00

Only one person knows what to say and what to do when I start to act up. But that person is not you. That person will know who I am referring to. Because in times of need, this person has always been there. Even in the darkest hour, this person has always stand firm to help me up. Always know what to say and do. Afterall, it's been years since we've known each other. The most unselfish person, because I've had to call and cry over the phone at odd hours. This person stayed on the other line to listen and comfort me to sleep despite work and other commitments.

You truly stuck to your words of being there for me no matter what, I've stuck to mine too. Other friends, maybe I can count on them too. But some, who said they will. Disappoint at the eleventh hour. Naive, maybe.. because I took their words for it. But they disappear into thin air when I call for help. Not help actually, I just wanted to hear a voice and know that someone is still around me. But, no.. I couldn't hear a goddamn thing. Do I blame myself ? Yes.. For not being able to take the load piling onto me.

And yes, I just saw your text. You said you understand me very well, this time you've failed. Because you did something unimaginable. Terribly sad to read something like that. If you know me well enough, you'd know what to say instead of what was written. Reading what you said, makes me want to walk away from everything.

maybe it is your way of saying, I should be independent. Ya ? Then tell me what's the purpose of saying I'll be there when you need someone to talk to, I hope you will talk to me. Saying it for the sake of saying ? Don't say it then, because people will take your words for it. Specifically; me.

If you thought I was going to vent it out on you and shunned me. You are so very wrong !

2007-10-31T21:00:00.000+08:00

fucked up.. I really should kill someone or kill myself before I drive myself crazy.

2007-10-29T19:07:00.000+08:00

Lying down in bed.. thinking back while I'm staring at the ceiling.

I see the times when we were together playing over and over again like a video recorder in front of my eyes. I'm reminded of how you complete me.

When I lie in bed, the emptiness that is right beside me. I'm frequently reminded of the times when you were around me.

Sometimes, in my slumber.. I place my hand over to the other side subconsciously thinking that you're still around. Or somewhat, hoping that you're next to me. But, everytime upon placing my hand over. I'd wake up almost instantly to realize that you aren't there.

not sad, because I'm still hoping that you'd be around once again.

2007-10-26T20:51:00.000+08:00

With too much free time on hand, and absolutely nothing to do.

I sit back in my chair and ponder..

What is it I really want ? I ask myself and I know I still love you. Besides this, I really don't have the slightest clue what I want with my life.

Matters of the heart.. I really have no idea what I want. Not at all. A big flop when it comes to this. Whilst everyone has settled down or are going to. I am still going round and round in circles, or I don't even know if I'm going anywhere.

Well, at least.. there was really once that I thought I won't be going round anymore and that you're the one, who's hand I'm going to hold and walk together for life. That's what I thought was, and somehow or rather still hope is.

While I was living in disappointment, I deceived myself into not loving you. But, truth and fact is otherwise.

I might be afraid to be hurt again, but I still have that little bit of faith in you. Well, what can I say about the person who's stolen my heart. I have that much faith because you're that special one whom has stolen my heart and the only one that could have me readily give up everything to hold your hand and walk in step with you for life.

And what else can happen ? The skies dropped on me before and I still survived the calamity. The worst ? It drops on me once more and I'll still find my way out and survive. And if it doesn't drops, it probably means I've made it with you.. ;)

2007-10-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

When you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you.

I saw it coming. I just tried because my heart says to try once more for the love. But it never happened the way I wanted it to. I tried because I wanted it to be.

You lost me a long time ago, you never got me back.. I am there because I wanted you to have me. But, either me or you never made it happened the way it should be.

My heart beats for you and I breath for you. But, I died before you came round. I wanted to revive everything and start afresh. But it couldn't happen.

It's not that you can't have anybody. It was the choice you made that resulted in this. This time, I tried once more, for love. But, disappointment couldn't be spelt out more boldly in front of my eyes. I was hoping for something that probably could never happen. But, I kept my faith and hope in you. Pinning all of it on you. Hoping for that little magical spark to light the candle once again. It never light up again..

I am sorry it turned out this way. Because there's no happy ending if we carried on. It's for the good of both of us. If it's meant to be, it'll be..somehow. But now, it isn't. So, we shouldn't force it.

I miss having you around.. but I've to live with it. I can stomach everything you threw at me. But, what's the point of me doing it. When I feel so dead already. It defeats the purpose totally..

Right now, there's only one thing on my mind. The track.. and somewhere at the back of my head, it's you.

I'll always remember you from the first time we were together, the cute girl with the sweetest smile and all the little things that we did together. ;)

It really is too late to do anything to salvage things between us. My only regret, not being able to let you make me become yours. Though you had my heart.

2007-10-21T21:06:00.000+08:00

Disappointment is temporary and regret is what you will live with for the rest of your life.

I'm not sad, just a little disappointed at how things are.
The following are the lyrics to a song.. which I think kinda sums things up pretty neatly.

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like an angel, heavens not the thing for you,
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologizes, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah

I'm holding your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

I have the least to say; What do you want with me ? What do you expect from me ? Why is it so ?

If there's anything that's heartbreaking to know.. it is the very sad truth that the flame is diminishing.. maybe you haven't felt it. But I saw and felt it firsthand myself yesterday. It is no longer burning with red hot passion like it was once ago. Whatever happen, has already happened. It is just another sad love story. That's all I can say.

I can carry on doing what I'm doing, but I can't look at myself in the mirror every morning when I wake up. I've let myself down everytime I look at myself into the mirror. It says, you're not appreciated at all. Not the very least. Why are you still here ? Do you actually see yourself when you're with her. I do, I just turn a blind eye to it. I lie to myself, because my heart still love you. Used to be alot, but as time passes by. It slowly disintegrates just like the flame is starting to burn out. Love you so much.. but, giving is about to reach its limits soon.

I'm disappointed in many things, with aspect to myself especially. Eventually, the things that I turn away from. Will still happen. They're all here, right in front of me. Cold truth in the cold windy night.

I didn't change, neither did you. Only one thing changed. The candle light of my love for you is about to be extinguished by the cold winds in the night. The situation and environment around us changed.

Still waiting for you to lit the small candle light before it's too late...

My words that were spoken many days ago still stands.. and I am sticking to what I've said I will set out to do. I will make all that I said happen.

2007-10-17T00:42:00.000+08:00

"I believe in love stories because we're surrounded by them" -quoted by my friend.

I believe in them too, but do all love stories have a happy ending; what about mine then ?

I once loved you very much. Had things not turned out the way they were. I'd have wanted to marry you.

Still love you a lot. But it's still a long way to go before anything could actually blossom..
and there're times when I wonder, is it for me or for you ? Sometimes I think it is for you. But, like u said before. You might not appreciate it. But, I will try.

Afterall, it isn't about taking. It should always be giving first and the latter part would be receiving and not taking. Taking would be taking things for granted.

sometimes, I think.. real hard to see if there'd be a future between us. Somehow, the things you say and do tell me that it's not going to be. We will only become good friends. But, I will still try because I know very deep somewhere, you're of great significance in my life. Which you probably doesn't know. And do you even know that, you're the one and only person that gives me the motivation to want to improve my game and win. I am one that likes to get comfortable, but you're the person that makes me want to push myself further just to see how much I can do.

Just by being around me, you're already doing all the little wonders to inspire me. ;) Perhaps, you don't know it. I don't know why it works either. It just works like pure magic.

2007-10-14T23:10:00.000+08:00

Now, I really believe you're the love of my life.

Why ? Because, with you around. My mind doesn't drift. I feel that I have the confidence in me. That I am able to ride like the way I want to be. I had been struggling to find the confidence back when you left.

Call it magic; with you around now. It definitely feels much more better. I have the trust and faith to improve on my ride. ;)

If you noticed, I left everything untouched and the way they were when you left. Because, all along. I've been waiting for you despite everything. Though, I didn't say much. But, yes. I waited for you all these time.
Even your toothbrush remains where it is. :)

I don't feel "lost" now that you're around. Without you, I was like running in circles and banging into everywhere else.

2007-10-09T17:28:00.000+08:00

Life is very fragile for riders.. especially so on the streets.

http://www.crash.net/news_view~cid~6~id~155570.htm

Norifumi Abe, the 4th japanese rider to bid an abrupt farewell to the motor racing world.

Since I read his news. I'm scared to ride on the streets. For fear that someone might just kill me when I'm riding. And also I fear that something might happen to you. Every now and then, I keep praying that everything will be okay and you'll be safe and sound to and fro your destinations when you're riding.

Simply to put it, Abe died because the truck made an illegal U-turn and his motorcycle hit the truck on Sunday evening.

So, it isn't always the fault of the rider.

Once again, the track is the safest place. I feel much safer and protected in there. Especially so for someone like me who has no discipline over my right wrist when I hop onto the other bike.

I think I have gotten the "virus" The "No.1 virus" passed on to me by none other than my riding mentor. I was looking back at my track photos in the earlier part of the year. There's a photo of me on the podium during the unofficial 5lap race during trackday. I came in 2nd. And there was absolutely no smile or laughter on my face at all. I was just sulky to not come in 1st.

If it's not first, there's nothing to be happy about. Because if you don't want to be first, why compete in the first place ?

I'll definitely want 1st on 28th this month. Just my 2cts worth. I think I definitely train much harder than before and much more compared to other riders. If I still can't. When can I.. Nah.. it's going to be this time round. =)

Actually, I've been thinking.. it's good that we'll be just good friends. At least, I'm happier this way. Much happier to be a good friend to you. If it's meant to be, eventually it will. Sometimes, it's good to take a step back and start from basics. When you no longer know what you're doing. It's time to go back to basics. =)

period.

2007-10-07T23:32:00.000+08:00

Certain parts of me are not right, I want to write. But I don't want to write. I want to shoulder everything on my own. I can do it.

I need help, but nobody can help except myself. Hundred and one things are running through my mind at this moment while I type out whatever crap I can.

One wonders, are you going to give me all the colors that are needed to paint the picture in full colored brilliance. Or will it be just two mono tones.

I hope it's the former.

A self confession I have to make, definitely happy initially.. but every now and then. I am reminded of the fact that I am still licking the wound left behind.

Yes, at the worst. I will just add another few more wounds and scars to myself. Does it even matter, I ask myself. How painful can it be ? It's not that it doesn't hurt. It hurts, alot. But, getting hurt is all part and parcel of the result of wanting to try for oneself and others.

I just think whether it is worth the risk of the hurt and pain, or is it not ?

I'm not sure either.. all I know is, at times.. the old wounds still hurts when felt.

There's one burning question to ask, but I've not gotten the chance to do so. Are you happier with me beside you ? Don't say don't know, because you know yourself best.

2007-10-05T15:15:00.000+08:00

There seems to be more spirit and energy within myself lately.. You light up my world.

I don't know how to explain it, but you light my world up like no one else can. It looks magnificently bright in my eyes now.. Bright, but not glaring to the eyes.. Just enough to make everything light up. And, it's all because of you..

You're beautiful because I love you.. =)

Just a little something which I dug out of my old archives..

Love your partner for who they are.

-No one in this world is perfect. One day you will find your partner doing certain things or saying certain things that will hurt you, disappoint you or anger you. Before you go into any type of relationship, you have to ask yourself: "Will I be able to love my partner for who they are. If I am unhappy or angry with something they have said or done, will I be able to recognize my unhappiness or anger as against their speech, actions and behaviour, and not against their persons?"

-It's hard to love someone who keeps making the same mistake over and over again, but try. It's not your job to judge them. You don't necessarily have to help them, either. Just understand

2007-10-04T20:59:00.000+08:00

The one I love most is you; Do you want me to really love you ?

I can love you with everything.. and I want to work towards having a future with you. Do you want to take the plunge with me ?

I promise not to disappoint. For everything in my life that I've ever wanted. I work and focus on them and I always get what I want at the end. Because I know if I try hard enough and persevere. I will get there.

No matter how difficult or treacherous it might be. If you love me and want me to love you. I definitely will.

My philosophy is very simple; if you aren't going to try and do it now, when are you going to do so ? In your next life when everything's been erased and has become full of regrets.

I never regretting loving you that much the first time round. I still won't if there's another chance. I love you so I am willing to take the risk of getting hurt. When you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you. It's up to that person whether or not hurt will take place. Or simply to put it. Are both parties going to be committed ? You give me the chance, I will commit into it with my heart. =)

2007-10-03T23:51:00.000+08:00

Well, I realize my heart is still with you. And that all the feelings that I used to have for you are still there. This time round, even stronger than before.

No, I didn't use all my heart. Just a little bit for myself and you. I am still using my mind.. But there're certain things which can only be decided by the heart. Things, which can't be changed.. like the feelings I have for you.

At least, I know that doing little things. You'll smile.. =) It's so important to see you smile nowadays.. because it's been a long time since I've seen you smile. Seeing your smile makes me more happy than anything else.

When you were in my arms, I really didn't want to let go of you. Wishing time would standstill because, with you in my arms. I felt like I had the world at my feet. There's nothing more I could've ask for. Bliss and happiness couldn't be felt more clearly in any other ways..

2007-10-01T22:34:00.000+08:00

I think that you are really the one.

Why ?

Because, everything just seems to fall into place when I'm with you. It just feels right. I use my heart to feel. It is right. And when I look at it with my mind. The way things are with you. They're definitely right.

I really hope, that we can cross paths once more.

It is only with you, that I want to settle down and build a future. No one makes me feel the way that you do. After so much, even when I use my mind. I am starting to really believe that you are the one that I'm looking for.

The one, that I can share my life with and build a future with.. I hope that using both mind and heart. That, I am not wrong.. I have faith, that I won't be wrong.. =)

2007-09-26T21:07:00.000+08:00

I want to write tonight, but I don't know what I want to say. So weird.. It's not that I don't want to blog, but I really can't think of anything to say.

I'm going to turn 25 very soon. Hmm, let's see. I want to have a birthday cake, a new track suit and of course to be happy always. I can forgo the cake and suit, but I definitely want to be happy. Now that I think of it, I had a cake last year. I still remember it was a mango ice cream cake. From my batchboys. I was still on course during that time. They even stayed up till midnight to sing me a birthday song. Haha, damn ! I was so touched. For the first time in my life, someone actually bought me a cake and so many people sang happy birthday to me. =D Although, we had to stay in camp during course. It was one of the most crazy time during my navy career. We were wrecking havoc throughout the whole school.

I don't think there'll be any surprise for me this year. I think I want to buy myself a birthday cake and eat it. I want to plan something for myself. Well, it might end up in nothing even though I took leave for myself that day.

So far, presents.. and cakes have been far and few in between...I don't expect anything from anyone. Because it's always been this way. I think that if anyone were to call and just say happy birthday. I'd be happy enough and would remember the caller for life. ;)

Enough said, I really can't wait to hit the tracks once again. I miss it very badly.. I've been thinking of it everytime I workout. It's the main driving force behind me to train harder.

Sometimes, I miss you still. There was this day, my breakfast I brought from home that really suck. It's the usual bread. But on that day, there was only one piece of cheese and one piece of ham for each of my bread. :( When I ate it, I thought of you. The egg mayo was great. No, not only that. The bread you did for me everytime was fantastic and definitely filled up my stomach much more than what my mum gave me. -__-"" I did tell her lah.. but it's still pretty much the same, sometimes it'd even backfire. I'd end up with no breakfast or she'd cook dinner that's just plain and not nice for me... I seldom get to eat nice cooked food from her.. most of the time. She'd just anyhow cook because there's no visitors for her to impress with her cooking. And her dear son always complains about her food. =P

almost everyday I eat out now.. tomorrow's breakfast is cheese and ham as usual. For the entire week.

period..

2007-09-20T22:28:00.000+08:00

Work is still as hectic as ever. It's loaded with even more stuff and projects than before. Because I volunteered to do them. I want to get my next promotion after two years. I want to rank above my batchboys. To do so, I've to do more than the rest. ;)

That aside.. training never stops. My body is still aching all over. Even putting on my clothes is a pain in the ass. What the heck, I still have to train. I need my fitness back.

Some time back, I thought to myself.

Why ride only at the tracks ? What is it that makes me like it so much ?
In the beginning, I wanted to try it because I had never been there. Maybe just once or twice.
It was fun because I get to turn the bike over lower than I could do so on the streets. Ride bike, must corner, because a bike is designed that way.

I met Charn and attended his riding school because I wanted to learn the proper techniques and lines.
Who'd have thought that a one-off lesson would later spark off a series of events leading all the way till now.
The one sentence that would change everything.. I never forget the exact words till now. "You have potential, I can bring you to low 50s and even low 40s if you are serious enough. And you can race; do you have the interest to do so ? "

My immediate reply was positive. He'd guide me along for the next one year or so. Trying very hard to put me on the right track. Every few weeks, he'd call to ask and check on my progress. I was progressing the right way, but very slowly. Until Jan, I made the big breakthrough finally. With my confidence at an all time high. I'd crash the following month.

At this point of time, Joshua stepped in and took over and started guiding me, trying to bring me up more. Definitely not easy, because I came back from the crash with my confidence dented. I still could managed, but every practice was pure torture. Because he'd be there to watch and no improvements would means scolding and more scolding until I got it right.

Sometimes, people would ask. Why take it from Joshua ? I don't have to go thru of it at all. But, I've seen his work. I know I am heading in the right direction, he's just very harsh and pushes me to try harder. Because I am always too laid back. He wants to cultivate the aggressiveness and the ability to push myself hard.

I want to race because I want to achieve something in life. I like to ride on the tracks more than anything else. Because the thrill of going into a turn very fast requires precision and refined techniques to handle the bike fast and smooth. The thrill for each turn lasts for maybe one second ? The thrill is braking into the turn, because the later the brakes come on. The faster you're going to approach. It becomes difficult to judge and how precise one is will depend on the rider.

I want to achieve something in my life... I'll try to win, if I can't. I'll still be happy because I've tried my best for it. =)

2007-09-18T10:59:00.000+08:00

Argggh !!! I've become so weak after being laid off for 2 weeks. I stopped training and I've lost so much already. I struggled during weights training this morning. Shit man, I feel so punctured.

Never give up and never slack off. I can just keep training and train even harder to get back to the same fitness level and even higher than previous. =P

After treatment, I can definitely run much faster than before. Hehehe.. Good, I am going to run even faster. Hahaha. I'm loving it.

2007-09-17T22:39:00.000+08:00

I decided to write today, because I am over the moon ? Haha, maybe even higher over.

Actually, almost everyday. I am very happy and jovial. I laugh and smile more than ever before. Haha, I work hard and play even harder.

No, I've not met anyone new nor am I seeing anyone. I just feel very happy. Because, I make myself happy. Hahaha.

I want to thank you for it. If not for you. I'd not have become so much happier than before. Instead of doing things for you or others. I do more things for myself instead. In return, I make myself happier.

Maybe, just maybe... I still miss you occasionally. But, does it matter ? Because, I think it doesn't. You made your choice. Life goes on. So, some things doesn't matter anymore.

In this lifetime, we crossed paths. Even if it was just very brief. I learnt something from it. I was going to lose myself during that period. Because I took things too seriously. Life is not just about one thing or one person. It's about myself and how I'm going to live it. I've always maintained a not so serious outlook to life. Preferring to take things lightly. The one time, I took it seriously. It didn't take too long, before I realised that I was going to lose myself. So damn glad, I'm still the same old person. The one, who never take things seriously at all. LOL !

Happiness is not around the corner, it's in the corner. The faster it is, the happier I am !

It's gonna be time to ride soon !

2007-09-15T15:27:00.000+08:00

People that are passionate are dangerous. Because they can murder for their passion.

Actually, I saw him first before I saw you. Somehow he stood out from the crowd. You didn't spot me because I blended into the crowd. So, I guess. I am not that much of a standout afterall.

Thanks for commenting that I look good. Nowadays I make a bigger effort to look better.

Not much to say. I had one hell of a sailing sortie. I learnt alot from the trip and never forgetting. I want to thank god for keeping the seas so calm, I didn't puke once.

Ride, I still have not. But definitely will. Because the fire is all coming back to me now. Although I need to train hard once again.

Joshua keeps telling me not to push myself over the limits during training. But, how can I not push if I want to improve and become stronger. I need to push. But I need to watch over myself carefully nowadays after the last incident. Still need to go back for follow-up. I dread it, it's going to be very painful again.

I'll write if I can think of anything to write. Right now, my life is as happy as it can be. Nothing more I can ask for. =) I am Happy.

2007-09-09T13:43:00.000+08:00

I like to think this way. I guess I am probably right on this.

I am the comfort cushion that you fell on at that point of your life. Nice, big plushy cushion to fall back on. The cushion took most, if not all of the damage. It's all over now. No more need for the cushion. I think that, at least. While I was there, I served my purpose well. Now, I should do well for myself and not let myself down.

I've got everything back on track again. I'm back to where I left off.
Good for me. and everyone else whom were worried about me. Thanks for the care and concern. I found my way. =)

I'm hostile ? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. The thing you asked me about. I won't put it back. Just because you mentioned it doesn't mean I have to put it back. This is me. Be nice to me, I will be even nicer to you. Hurt me, I will remember forever; in all the wrong ways. But, I will still be nice to you if you ask nicely. Because, returning an eye for an eye has no end. Whereas, with me being nice to you. You'll forever be guilty of mistreating me. You can never put it right ever again.

Sepang, we're coming again next month ! *Yay !*

2007-09-07T23:10:00.000+08:00

Hmm hmm, you deleted me from your friendster huh ? I didn't notice until today. Anyway, it's your choice. Not mine. I still regard you as a friend. Maybe you got the impression that I don't want to have anything to do with you. I guess you probably blocked me on Msn also. But, even if you didn't. We don't have much to talk about as well.

Yeap, that's right. I don't want to have anything to do with you that exceeds being a friend. I only regard you as a friend. No more, no less. Simple.

I care for all my friends.

I miss riding a lot. I can't wait to get back on.

A matter of fact which I don't deny. Sometimes I miss you still. But, I learn to move on. Without anyone's help. I am stronger now. It'd take something special to knock me off.

If there's one thing I am able to do. That is, I am able to put my loved one above everything else. I read somewhere, the person you're looking for. To spend the rest of your life with, should be someone that is able to put you ahead of everything else. It's probably the only thing I am able to do. Or at least, I think that is the only thing I can do.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter much to me. Because, I don't dwell on the past, I don't think about the future. I only live for the moments.

The future that I thought, I was going to have. Went up in smoke right in front of my eyes. I dump my past to try and have a future. I don't have both. So, I live for all there is right now.

I'm happier now. I definitely am. Although, I still feel lonely back home. I'm more or less settled into it.

I have bought so many things for myself, I wish I can buy my happiness as well. I'd pay any price for it. ;)

Maybe, the one I am searching for exists only in my dreams. I'm guessing you don't read anymore. Perhaps, you're pissed off with me for what I wrote. But it's all the facts. Even if it's ugly and cold. This is everything.

will someone fly me to the moon. ;)

2007-09-04T19:00:00.000+08:00

tracking backwards slightly just to refresh my memories because everything about you has become more and more blurry in my mind.

The first time, I met you was a month and few days from the day I crashed. Yeap, I crashed on the 25th Feb, Sunday afternoon. Suffered 6 stitches on my chin because of a mistake I made. I learnt from it though. Two weeks later, I was back at it again, still able to ride but still doubtful. And I rested. That's when I met you. We met on the 27th March. If memory didn't fail me.

It sparked off a chain of events after. For better or for worst, it has all happened. Nothing to regret over. At least, not for me. I wouldn't know about you though. Enough said about the past.

Still unhappy during many occasions on my own. But, I splurge on myself to make myself happy. Just for those few seconds or minutes is enough for me. Feels as though I'm addicted to drugs and I need a shot of it every now and then, to keep myself going. Right now, I am able to give myself anything and everything I've always wanted except for the most important thing, my own happiness in love.

I still survive, what didn't kill me will only make me stronger.

And, with regards to going back to track again. Yes, I will make it happen. I won't let anything distract me. Right now, I'm just waiting for brakes and new tires. Brakes were ordered and tires have yet to reach our shores. Once they're in. I'll be back in action. I won't tell anyone when I am going back. Because it'll only cast more weight onto my mind. Only Bikelab will know.

I have nothing to lose and no one to look back to when I ride. I have everything to gain and to make everyone look at me when I ride. The rules have changed this time round. I now do everything with 110% effort.

Since we can't be together, maybe everything belongs to someone else and not you. It is so simple and yet I took so long to figure it out. Or maybe, I already knew. But I refuse to face it because there are still feelings for you.

2007-09-02T15:54:00.000+08:00

I ain't waiting anymore. Nor doing anything more. I am picking up the pieces which were broken.

My wings got clipped when I tried to land beside someone. But it's okay. I will get back my wings and this time, they'll be stronger than before. I'll fly higher and faster because I am going to be left behind by my mates if I don't catch up soon.

Yes, I still have feelings for you. But, I am not going to let them get the better of me. Say Goodbye. Nothing will change my mind this time. You had your choice, you chosen. Now, it's my choice and I've chosen. I've thought about it for damn long. I dedicated so much to my passion for so long. I will not let it go to waste. I will stick to my words, I won't let anyone nor anything hinder me.

Maybe, next time. Or in another lifetime when I get to meet you somewhere else and things are less complicated. Maybe; just maybe. We'll see..

I can't forget you overnight. But, I will. Eventually. Just like everything and everyone else that I left behind in my pursuit for that dream. "been there, won it, done it all"

I learnt many things in the course of riding. You can provide the best equipment to the rider, but if the rider doesn't appreciates it at all or has no potential. There is no meaning in doing so much. Especially if it's the former. Likewise, in life and many other things. Today while jogging, I recalled what my mentor taught me throughout the past one year plus.

I think, maybe you appreciate. But there's no potential to unearth, so things have reached their limits. There's no way to proceed further. Thus, I am putting everything aside to go back to where I belong. Being ahead of everyone else.

I should be there with my mentor and everyone else. I don't want to waste their efforts and disappoint them. Because until today, despite my ups and downs. And taking unnecessary breaks. I am still touted as the top student rider and the unpolished diamond whom they want to groom.

I am going back, because I've move on.

I don't wait for things to happen, if they stay still for too long. I make things happen.

see ya'all around. I am going to push my training and riding right up to the max; Redline all the way. I want to be at my best 100% all the time from now on.

2007-09-02T01:51:00.000+08:00

There are many ways to die. But there is only one way for each and everyone one of us to truly live. Which way is yours ?

I am still in search of my way. Have you found yours ?

With you by my side, I felt like there was nothing I could not achieve. I had the world at my feet. Do you know that ? Maybe you felt that you didn't do anything. Precisely, because you didn't do anything. But somehow, chemistry does its magic and it worked for me. Something which I can't explain in words either.

I never had this much confidence in my riding before. Until you came along; that is. Now that you're gone. I'm gone lower than before. Much more lower that I don't even know where am I now.

Everytime, I come back home to sleep. I look at the photos of myself that surrounds me. I wish for you to come back and light me up once again. I know I can be up there with every other fast rider and also be one step above them. I am capable of it. I know, I am..

Why not then ? I don't know, I just can't do it now.. at least not now.

2007-08-31T19:35:00.000+08:00

I refuse to ride, because I don't want to forget you. It's diminishing now.. and it diminishes me along the way.

I miss the ride a lot. But, to forget you. I don't have the courage to do it. I've become angry at myself and everything. I hate it all including myself for the way things have turned out. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Sometimes, I think I hate you but I think I hate myself even more because I mess myself up. I let myself become one big mess. And there's no turning back the time.

I can't seem to forget everything, because there's still love lingering.

I live only once, when I want to do something. I'll go all out. Likewise, when I love someone. I'll give her all. Why hold back, when it might be the only one chance you'll ever get in this lifetime.

Do you know..

I've told you before. Maybe you've forgotten it, my riding depends largely on my feelings and my heart. When you were around, I was simply over the clouds. Going faster and improving was just so easy for me. I was so happy and light hearted. Riding was very relaxed for me and I could do many things that I'd put in a lot of effort to do them on my own. When I went quicker, my response to everyone else was; I had you. I'm happy, no problem and very easy for me to go fast. I was unbeatable during that time. And just for the record, I could not go any faster since January when I set a personal best for myself then followed by my crash. Thereafter, I went back and ride despite my injuries. Everyone applauded the courage I had back then. But I remained stagnant for a long time. That was until I met you. Your presence made a difference to my life. I not only had motivation to improve but I had something that no one else had. That was you; my happiness. For a while that is.. everything mentioned here is now history.

I can only see myself totally defeated if I ride now. It should still be fun for me. But to be ahead of others would be near impossible. My confidence has hit an all time rock bottom low. I'm defeated way before I can even slot the key into the ignition.

It is so fucking tiring to put up a false brave front everyday to everyone. Only I know, that I feel so awful. Not even the most hilarious jokes can make me laugh heartily.

I just want you to know, I not only lost you. But I lost myself as well. Because you are a part of me.

period.

2007-08-28T18:27:00.000+08:00

I am almost able to give myself everything and anything that I want. But the only one thing that I truly need most remains elusive.

I splurge on almost anything that I set my eyes on every weekend. But they only give me those few seconds of happiness. What makes me happy ? I don't know exactly. Maybe it is you, maybe it isn't you as well.

To go back to riding is really one hell of a big challenge. I don't even know if I want to go back at all. Still pretty much in a dilemma. Maybe I won't go back anymore.

Sometimes, I miss you.. but not always. Because there're definitely days when I think of how I got hurt. It was my own choice. I chose to get hurt. And, the hurt didn't seem to be worth it at all.

Sometimes I think I've been stupid all along. I do all the wrong things and make all the wrong choices. If I stop riding, I'm going to become the biggest flop among all the Bikelab riders. Because, I promised so much but never deliver the goods in the end. And I'll become the loser again.

Sigh, haven't I been on the losing end long enough ? Shouldn't it be my time to win now ?

I don't know what I want or to do anymore. There're many occasions I think of how happy I was with you and that I had made you happy on some occasions. But now, not anymore.. I'm just so lost. I am living in a blur..

I'm terrified to step into another relationship or start anything with anyone at all. Maybe, I'm a coward. I just don't want to go through it once again. Yes, I dare to take risks and not afraid to take the fall. But, each time the fall is harder and more painful than the previous. I wonder, how many times I can fall and when is the time I won't be able to pick myself up.

It is so strange that suicide flash across my mind today for a split second, I was appalled by it for that split second...

2007-08-25T23:49:00.000+08:00

I wanted to ask, have you ever loved me ? But, I know the answer to it. It's just a dumb question because I don't see you anymore and my mind starts to think of all kind of stupid and weird things.
I know, you loved me before. Just like I love you. I don't doubt you. It's just that my emptiness overcomes my mind more frequently nowadays. I lose my mind and my thoughts run wild.

The question you asked me this evening. I answer you in full here. I can't wait to go back anytime sooner. In fact, I'd really want to jump on to the bike and ride. But, like I said before. Once I ride, I will never look back again. I won't turn to look at you nor the me that loves you wholeheartedly till the planet stops revolving. I am giving you my time, hoping that my faith in you will pay off eventually.

Today, I counted.. how long has it been since I last rode. The last time I rode, I screwed up entirely because my mind and heart wasn't there at all. My heart is with you. I rode with a broken heart and I have not seen the track ever since. To be exact, it is only coming close to four weeks from that day. All along, I thought I had been away for months. It certainly felt like months and it felt like I had been away much longer than the last break I had.

The last break I had, I met you. And I was absolutely happy with you. So time flew by when we were together. This time round, on my own. With everything out of place including my heart and me messing myself up. Barely four weeks, it feels so long. It goes to show, just how difficult it is to get by each day without you. On my own, I survive; barely. I put up a strong front so nobody will know I'm weak beneath. I can hardly get by each day without pausing to think of you. I remember, just how much you mean to me and how much I love you.

I really thought I had been on my own for ages. Only today, when I counted the days. Then I realize. How short the period has been. And only then, I found out just how awful and difficult it is for me to get through each day without you. I try to work and train hard and harder to put all my time to use. But no matter how I go about it. There is always time each day to miss you.

You're so dear to me, every night when I gaze into the skies and look at the stars. I'd see you up there together with the stars smiling at me.

I splurge again today..but I simply don't care. Because someone at home is making my life difficult. Saturday morning till now Sunday midnight. We've not been able to converse at all. The moment she starts talking, I'd feel irked and I'd shoot off and everything would erupt. I just hate everything now.

Somehow, I wish that if I had met you earlier. I'd have married you and moved out from this place which I find so wretched now ! Everything is either a bitch or wretch to me right now. I am so bitter over so many things. I can pull all my hair out in frustration.

I also wish, you are here for me. That I can talk to.. and grumble and whine about everything. And I'd also tell you just how hungry for riding I am now.

2007-08-23T23:31:00.000+08:00

Everywhere I go, there's a love song playing in my head that reminds me of you. I know I have to be strong, but I simply can't get over you. Everyone tells me to move on and find someone new. But I still believe in something.. something unspoken.

I am going against all odds.. for one person.

Sometimes, it gets very painful. :(

I think of you a lot. Sometimes I look out into the skies, and I see you. I recalled looking at the stars together with you.

Life nowadays, is really one big blur.. I don't know what I'm working towards. I just do it because it gives me something to do. I don't know why I come back home either. I don't like to come home because I don't want to talk to my Mum. I'd rather be at ship. Alone or with my friends. Yes, I am running away from home. Because she always tells me things that are screwed up and I don't know.. I just feel frustrated to talk to her and I feel like I'm going to blow up anytime.

Today, when I came home.. I was alone and happy for a while because there was a bit of tranquility. Until she came home, that is.. I started to feel not good and I went out till she went to bed then I returned. I am turned off by almost everything at home and Mum.

Lately, there has been thoughts of not coming back at all anymore. I just don't like it. There used to be you to keep me company and I looked forward to coming back home to love you.

I now come home, and hope that tomorrow comes quickly so that I can go back to work and not face this room of mine which is now filled with emptiness. It used to be the other way round, I never wanted the night to end with you. But now, I pray for the night to end quickly and dawn to arrive.

There's something, that I want to ask..but I don't think there'd be a appropriate chance for me to ask. If there is, I'd definitely ask.

2007-08-21T18:09:00.000+08:00

It's damn painful.. unbearable pain in the heart.

I don't dare to talk about it because it really hurts when I think about it. Just a simple text is enough to make my whole world come crashing down onto me. Just that little text is enough to remind me of everything that happened. So damn painful, I could not smile nor laugh to anyone for the rest of the day. The pain just refuse to go away now. I can hardly bear with it.

If this is love, why does it hurt so much ? :(

On a side note, I've been thinking and trying. Seems like I won't be able to get back on to the bike again. I'm contemplating whether to put the bike up for sale. Although, I enjoy the adrenaline rush. I don't have the heart to ride anymore.. maybe, it has to be this way. I don't know.. I've lost a lot that I am seemingly willing to lose this as well.

I am so tired of everything, all the pain, all the heartaches and having to stay strong throughout. Putting up a false front everyday to everyone.

Can I just lie down, close my eyes, let everything slip away from me and never to wake up again ?

I hate everything and everyone, I hate my mum.. I hate the house, I hate the bike, I hate all the things that are given to me because none of them is what I want. I even hate myself for what I've become.

2007-08-20T21:18:00.000+08:00

I speak up for you because this is how I felt about you. :)

I have not love you one bit lesser since the day I fell for you until now. I don't say it anymore. Because I am waiting for my chance to come for me to say it to you rightfully. Do you know how much I miss you everyday and night. I don't text you saying all these. Because, I believe you'll know without me saying anything about it.

When can I see you again and put my arms around you. I want to hold you, look into your eyes and tell you that I miss you dearly and I love you..

it only happens in my sleep... lovers when we sleep..

it hurts a lot, and it sure is pain in the worst kind of form..but I can live with it. Because, I have faith in the things I do.

我癡癡的為你等 ...

2007-08-20T00:18:00.000+08:00

Don't think of how unfortunate I was to have known you. Think this way instead, there is someone whom actually wanted to propose to you when everything was still going smoothly.

I don't think that I'm unfortunate at all. I count myself lucky and one of the more fortunate people in this world. Because, I actually met someone whom I am more than willing to settle down and spend the rest of my life with. At least, this is what I thought would be happening back then. I believed that my picture was finally painted with all the right colors and done with the right partner.

One of the reasons, why I don't want to see you. It pains me to see you suffering and being unhappy. And, knowing that there isn't anything I can do even if I see you. I feel very useless.

I wish for your happiness and I am willing to give anything within me to trade for your happiness. I really want to see you happy like before. I don't sought my own happiness because I know exactly how I can be happy. Therefore, to see you happy would really make my day. Maybe, because you don't know where your own happiness lies anymore. So, you're upset most of the time. Or the things around you causes your unhappiness. I do not know...

I rode out for a while just now to meet my friends. Riding through the cold weather made me think of you. You putting your arms around me when I rode you around. Especially during those late night walks when riding home would be so cold that I'm shivering and you'd keep me warm..

a cold cold walk down memory lane..

2007-08-18T20:27:00.000+08:00

I miss you, and I want to see you but I don't want to see you..

"wish you happiness" I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I don't think that, with the current situation. You won't be able to make me happy as well. Maybe I will feel better, but I won't be happy at all. I know.. that's why I don't want to see you even though I want to see you.

I don't talk about it anymore, because it is pointless to talk and not have a conclusion. I take a step and back off. It's so simple and it allows you to make a decision with greater ease.

Never mind whatever the pain and heartache. Whatever the pain that I feel. It is okay. Because like I said before, there is him. There will never be me. You already made your choice. I just make it clearer for myself.

The big emotion roller coaster, if I used my heart all the time. I'd be dead by now. But, I've survived so far because when it's painful. I use my mind instead.. and I pull through.

Right now, it just sucks to be home. Everything's not working properly, my laptop's down with virus.. having an inconsistent connection. With no one to love when I come back home. I don't even know what's my purpose in coming home. I have moved everything to the ship. I didn't want to come home today as well. Except that I wanted to fix my laptop. It just sucks to know you're with him. Hahaha, what a stupid way to put it.

In the end, the person who love you.. chooses to leave because circumstances forced him into it. He, now drifts from one place to another with no fixed destinations.. no schedules to follow, no one to open up his heart to, with abundance of energy to shower his love on that one person but that person isn't around anymore.

I wonder if anyone's going to read this.. maybe no one...

I want to do so many more things for her. But, there's no more opportunities to do so. Even if there is, will she appreciate it ? Because at the end of the day, she will just go back to him, no matter how much I do.

Right now, I'm still bidding my time.. because I have not got back on to the bike. Actually, I keep putting it off because I am somewhat hoping for a miracle maybe ? I don't know what I'm hoping for, or what is it that I am still having faith in. I just keep pushing back the date so that I don't get back on so soon. I am giving a lot of time.. really a lot of time..

This time, it's real. Once, I get back on. There's no looking back from there on. If things stays like this, I will have to leave it all like this and not look back ever again. I am just hoping for the impossible to happen because I still have that faith.

Just call me naive, foolish.. or just plainly loving someone head over heels.

2007-08-14T21:11:00.000+08:00

What the fuck did I do to deserve the mess that I am in now.

I've sacrificed my life, my friends and I've also bleed and had stitches just for one cause. That is to go faster and to win races. I have deviated far away from that objective now. In fact, I can't even see myself heading towards my goal. The goal which I had set out to achieve, I promise myself never to deviate away. But look at where I am now.

Because of one person. I got soft, used my heart. Took a risk with her and I've ended up nowhere now. I placed my faith in you. Because I felt that you're the one I am looking for. But you chose to be with someone else and break all the faith I had placed in you. Needless to say things like I love you like you were the only one. Because you're the only one. But the one time, I let my heart work.. I only got hurt in the end. Every other time, I used my mind and would not budge an inch for anyone.

I hide away from you now, because I don't want you to see the state I am in now. I look worn out and haggard from the lack of sleep everyday. Because I have difficulties getting sleep. And I just slog it out during office hours and still train as if I'm possessed.

I don't have the kind of tenacity during training anymore. I just force myself to train, because it's a habit already. If I ride now, I'm probably going to fall because I won't know what I'm doing. Probably just going to keep pushing until I go over the limits. I do know one thing for sure. If I want to do it properly and not fall at the first time back. I have to let go and forget about everything and remember only the bike. Which means, once I cross my leg over the bike. Everything, I hold on for you has to end. I have to forget about you. Perhaps, forget that you or anyone else had cross'd paths with me or had even existed.

I have zero confidence in myself, in my bike.. no faith in all the things I do. Because the things I believed in, never came true. They all evaporated just like tears that rolled down the cheeks and dried up after.

I am the one among my peers that can never sit still and is always on the move. The only one time that I wanted to slow down and settle down. The one time, I wanted to do it. It just didn't happen for me. It's a twist of fate.. for someone like me.

2007-08-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

Until now, I have this bungling thought in my mind that says; I regret not knowing you much more earlier. I could have done better and I would definitely ask for your hand. This thought always goes floating around in my mind. So much that my attention always drift away and I almost rear ended another car again on the way home just now. This time, not once but twice.. what am I doing.. I think I'm troubled by these matters.. I ask too many questions to myself.

Baby, If ever you're in my arms again. I promise never to let you go and love you more than ever. I will hold on to you forever. I can love you like that because I've given you my heart. You're the world to me.

2007-08-12T03:05:00.000+08:00

I almost rear ended into a car just now on the way home..

I wasn't tired or trying anything suicidal. I was just distracted from the roads having a lot on my mind to think of. The first time, I went on a shopping rampage. It felt good and I was happy. But the subsequent time when I wasn't happy and I tried to do the same thing buying more stuff. I didn't feel happier at all. Don't know why.. maybe it's just an illusion that I created to make myself happy.

Today, I went to bikelab to see my bike. The feeling wasn't there for me. I mounted the bike, hoping to feel the feeling whenever I sat on it. It wasn't there for me. I don't have the yearning to ride. I seem to have lost the edge. The edge of being confident and wanting to ride faster whenever I saw the bike and when I sat on it. I haven't thought of wanting to ride for the past few weeks. Or months.. The edge is no longer with me. I am not hungry for it for quite some time. I remember the last time I felt I had that edge was when you were still with me. Since then, it's been downhill. I tried to convince myself that I can. And I still have what it takes. I don't have what it takes right now.. used to have, but not anymore.

Trying ways and means to keep myself happy and motivated, confident enough to ride. But it's just so difficult, I put it as difficult although impossible seems more appropriate. I'm still abit positive about this, so it is only difficult.

Look at the time, it's getting more and more difficult to make myself sleep nowadays. Even if I get very tired, somehow or rather.. the mind can't rest at all with so many things going on in it. Today, I tried taking a nap.. I haven't felt so lonely and cold before. I miss you.. and really miss you being around. There's no more laughter or chitter chatter going on here. Everything is just still and cold.

Don't think about it, you disappearing. Won't do me any good or make the situation better. I've thought about it in the other way. If you're by my side now. And after all we went through. I could be happy with life. But I'm still going to struggle to find back my edge in riding. I'm confused with myself, disappointed in not being able to ride well. Shivering with cold from the loneliness that I face every night. At times, I hate myself and want to destroy everything I possess because I think I just mess up everything with my own bare hands. Why doesn't lighting strikes me then ? For messing things up..

I think back, the first time I went to fetch you. The reason is very simple. I'm only one person with a pair of hands. I might not be able to make a difference to everyone I meet along the way. But at least, I've made a difference to you. Not many, but at least one.

I visited the esplanade just now, just to relive those bits and pieces of memories which I still keep. They were nice, sweet moments..but I am still not happy. As far as I can remember, I was very happy during that time. But reliving those happy thoughts still isn't enough..

If I have you, I'll spend the rest of my life with you. Without you, I seem to lose all heading and I start to go round in circles looking for you.

Only sad people blog, happy people tend to forget about their blog readers.. I've been unhappy for a damn long time because my blog has withstand the test of time, going on and on for almost two years now. There was only one lapse of entries. Only at the short span of time, I didn't blog for quite a while because that would be one of the happiest time of my life. But my happiness is short-lived. As I soon came back to writing once again. I wrote longer entries than ever before. The only time I had ever written long was when I came close to ending my life. I had to pieces all the broken pieces of myself back on my own. I did so, taking a very long time. This time round, I'm not feeling the end. But, trying to get on with life is just so..damn!

I feel worst off than shit most of the time. Although, I conceal it all.. sometimes, I see you. I have that sad feeling as well. Because, I know you're not that happy as well. Why do both of us have to go through all these, I wonder...

2007-08-09T20:47:00.000+08:00

I thought I can conceal all my feelings from myself and you.. but when I hug you.. everything came back at that instance.

Only then I know that, how much I love you and care for you.. once again, I did not say anything to you at that point of time.

I cannot even say what I want to say to the one I love..

2007-08-08T22:07:00.000+08:00

I miss you and I love you..

When I saw you, I wanted to hug you close to me and never let go. I want to kiss you once again and tell you I love you.

I feel so helpless seeing you so miserable.. I cannot do anything to make the one I love feel better.

It's alot of pain to know you're there.. and not happy at all. Certain things are worth persevering and holding on. But some things, when the time is here. There's no point in holding on, but the only way is to let it all go and move on. Because if you can't let go, how do you know there's something better waiting for you. You'd never know, until you step out and move on.

I think you know that.. although I hide away from daily life and coop myself up at work almost everyday. I miss you alot and that I love you even more than yesterday.. the love hasn't lost any bit at all. Just that I don't show it now.

I wanted to tell you I miss you just now, but I don't have the courage to say it to you.. much less to say I love you.. my heart says it all, but I just can't say it to you.. as much as I want to. If you look into my eyes, you'd have seen it all without me saying a damn thing..

2007-08-06T17:27:00.000+08:00

How do I say goodbye to someone I never had?
Why do tears fall for someone who was never mine?
Why is it that i miss someone i was never with?
Why do I love someone whose love can never be mine?

He is the last person that you will even fixed your eyes upon although you knew that he existed but never knew that he has been the ONE standing by you silently, supporting and loving you so faithfully all this while.

YOU only realised his importance when YOU lost HIM..

Tears are dropped... Memories are left behind.. Never to be brought up again...

You and I will never be the same because everything has changed.. But you will always be loved... always!

I can only promise that you'll always be loved by me and that you will always have the four corners of my filet-o-fish.

I pieced all these together when I got home.. I was running up and down the hills when all these words came to mind.. I just kept them and pieced them when I sat down in front of my laptop.

2007-08-06T12:23:00.000+08:00

I don't know anything, just like u said. Or maybe, I know but I don't want to know anything. Because you already said the most important statement. You Are Attached.

Thoughts will forever be thoughts unless put into action. I don't like to think too long, I think of it, I'll do it, irregardless of the consequences. Call me reckless and impulsive. To me, it's seizing every opportunity that appears. I leave nothing to chance.

You reckon I need you and vice versa from me to you as well. I deduce that actually both still care and wants to care but both no longer walk together and speak from the heart. So it becomes unspoken.

The only reason why I start to turn away and walk further away is because of his existence and the fact that you still hold on to him. The longer you hold on to him, the further I will walk away from you. The closer you go towards him, I will turn away even more. That's what the outcome will be. Even if I do have that small space in your heart and that nothing compares to you in my heart. It will all not have a good ending. Because of your choice. I don't get to choose, I am forced into the situation where I choose because it's the only thing possible for me to do. Since you have said it yourself that you're happy with him. Feelings for me doesn't matters. Because you are happy with him. You said it yourself. Why have me to love you so much when you're already happy with him ? Still confused and not sure of your own heart ?

Actually, I do not mind loving you so much and doing things for you. Can't say that I'm not happy. Not happy happens only you don't appreciate and lash out at me instead. To stop loving you takes alot from me mentally and physically. I torture myself during training so that I'll be too deadbeat at the end of the day to even think about it or anything that matters. I dump my phone into my locker so that I won't stop frequently during work to look at my phone if you miss called me or text me. Most of the time, I am reluctant to dump the phone into the locker, I end up carrying it all the time and looking at it with the same anxiety of that like it's a time bomb that'll explode anytime.

Almost everyday, I hold my breath and look at the phone, hoping and wishing you'd call or text me.. damn..how pathetic and sorely I miss you. fuck.. I don't even want to talk about it man. Cos it's worth nothing when I think of the fact that you're with him. And not me ! Everytime I think of this cold hard fact that slaps me so hard in the face, I get filled up with so much frustration and anger that whoever touches me will burn and I'll lash out in the worst unimaginable way at the person who pisses me off at this wrong moment..

2007-08-05T01:42:00.000+08:00

it doesn't take much to push me away.. don't try because you'll definitely succeed in pushing me away.

no word of thank you for trying to help, only got a backlash from trying to help but not able to help..

nothing much more to say, don't even want to use capitals to start off the sentence. I care because I care.. it's that simple. nothing more..

i know where my happiness lies already, but i ain't talking about it. because i don't want to lose my happiness. once the talk starts about it, the focus will be on it and i will lose it.

you want a place in my heart but i don't even have a tiny bit of space in your heart. that's you, not me.

what's the point of me loving you when you are not with me. you just want the love and care, that's all. there is only this much i can do.

you just don't appreciate it... period.

2007-08-04T14:57:00.000+08:00

For once, I had nothing in my mind at all..since a long time.

It's finally all clear and fresh. Only thing left on my mind is, how to go much more faster. That was when I sailed and I got so worn out that the minute I lied on my bed. I felt like I was floating and my mind went blank. No more energy to think of anything at all.

I hide amongst the laughter and chatter of everyone onboard the ship. This way, my sadness or whatever it's called cannot seek me out. Because I'm laughing with everyone else. Not coming home is also good for me. Because emptiness won't surround me then.

How do I find my own happiness, simple.. earn more money from all the duties. With bigger spending power, I can suffice all my wants. Giving myself all the things I like. I feel happier this way, at the very least. This is what I can still do for myself. The other things I can still do is to keep up my training and keep riding and improve on my riding. Improving my own riding is challenging myself to do better. These are the few things I will still feel happy going about doing them..

I concluded over the days I spend at ship and not going home. I get a slightly clearer picture. Whoever I choose to love, I will not end up with her. Because I simply love her too much. It will only cause me to lose her at the end. I accept that it's a fact, and it's me.. nothing more or less.

no more sorrows.. just look at that one direction and go towards it.. there's nothing more to look back at.

I will not go and love another again.. even if the feeling is right. I will not move again; ever. I only end up hurting other people and it's the last thing I want to do..

2007-08-01T14:26:00.000+08:00

I wonder if it's possible to have night safari and macdonalds together..

2007-07-31T19:19:00.000+08:00

The same question still pops up in my head whenever I am not occupied. What if, what is.. isn't true.

Only I know the answer, but I can't answer the question to myself. Irregardless, I'm still thinking about it.

Not much to say, pointless to say.. I work the extra mile for everyone and push my training past my limits abit so that I'll be occupied throughout.

Coming home is a pain.. I dread returning home. My room is filled with emptiness no matter what I do.

2007-07-29T13:58:00.000+08:00

It isn't you nor the things that you do that's making me unhappy. It is myself, I have too many thoughts going on in my head..many things which I wonder and ask myself. My feelings to you, and my heart. Right from the start till now, they've been here going round and round inside me. I keep asking myself the same set of questions over and over again. Wish to tell you all about it. Even if I did, I'll still not be able to conclude anything. I have to decide on my own.

But I can't tell you now, because you're still around and I don't want you to worry about me. Maybe one day, when I don't care about any damn thing at all anymore. I will be able to tell you. Just exactly what's bugging me. The only thing I'll say is, certain issues came back to haunt me. So I end up thinking of them every now and then. I try to keep myself occupied all the time so that I will not have time to think of them all.

So, you're wrong. You're not affecting me. It is me and my own set of problems... It's just myself.

What if, what is; isn't true.

Men can say I love you to a dozen girls in his life. But there's only one girl whom he truly loves and he means it with all his heart when he says that. That is the one true love in his life. Whether he ends up with his true love or not is another point. Most of the time, they don't...

Everything aside, just ride with one mind; go faster.
Don't think about the past, the future.. just live for the moment. miss that moment in life and it'd be gone forever.

2007-07-27T02:03:00.000+08:00

At that point of my life, it was finally found what I've been looking for. Now I know I'm going to love you more. Just stay with me and love me.. It is as simple and as difficult as it is.

I didn't look elsewhere for anything else, I was fully contented with what I had. This is it now, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and devote it solely to you. Winning on the bike became not important anymore..because it didn't matter to me. For I had you, it was all that matters to me. You are the most significant person in my life. And until now, it remains like this.

You're still the one that make the biggest impact on me and that someone special who finally make me feel like settling down and slowing down my life. For all my life so far, I have always been going at top gear, full speed.. to the extent that people around me actually tells me I must slow down and relax abit. I've always been running around and being playful. Not one, that'd be likely to settle down easily. You're the only one who make me want to settle down and not only that, the highlight was I wanted to settle down with you.

Even though the timespan wasn't long. It was more than enough to have cause a huge impact on me. A good one, I'd say. For, I have not loved and cared for someone this much before.. Any other situation like this, I'd be long gone to save myself all these misery and heartaches. But I choose to go through all of this on my own. Because I love you thus I need you. I'm only this strong because I have to be, if I'm weak.. how'd I be able to take care of you.

To be able to care for you, I must first be able to take care of myself. Only this way, you'd have the confidence in me. By waiting for time to tell you how much I love you. You'd know just exactly how far I'd go for you..

I feel cold everynight, because I miss you. I wake up in the middle of the night to look at the other half of the bed hoping you'll somehow be there and I'd hold you close to me and never let go. But everytime I wake up, emptiness greets me. And I feel even more cold than ever because loneliness creeps up to me on the other side. I don't know how to tell you how much I miss you. But it's definitely more than you can ever imagine possible.

I'm still doing okay, I try to distract myself everyday..but there're always many moments which you will still come into my mind only for me to realise how much you mean to me and how dearly you're missed.

It's so difficult to fall asleep everynight.. without you, everything seems to not have much meaning left. But I'm still going on because, who knows what the future beholds.

2007-07-25T17:53:00.000+08:00

No pain, I'm doing better than previous. Because I say so. Even if it's much more painful than the other time, I won't tell you. No point in telling you all these. I think they only make you feel bad about it when you shouldn't. Since you're happily with him. Why bother about me, I'm just a friend that pokes his nose into your business all the time. Nothing more..

Well, I want to go back to riding and focus on it. But I still care for you more than myself. The fact is, I know when I push hard. I will get scared. When I'm scared, I won't be able to think about all the painful matters that happened to me. When it's fast till I'm scared, I have to be on my toes and not make mistakes. So I'd be focused and not thinking of other things like you and him, which never fails to make my heartache. Lucky bastard is all I can say.. to have someone love him so much. I am green with envy and jealousy overflowing everywhere. Because I can't have your love.

Filled with angst, I know I will be out to thrash every other rider out there when I ride. Which is what it's supposed to be. At least, thrashing other people will make me feel slightly better. Because I will be on tops. And not be on the losing end. Yes, my close friends who knows me well enough, knows that when I ride like this. I will be pushing the limits everywhere. I don't care, I just want to be on the winning side. I will do whatever it takes for me to have possession of what I yearn for.

It's the same for the one I love most. I will do whatever it takes for me to be that lucky bastard.

2007-07-24T18:08:00.000+08:00

Am I trying to deceive myself by saying that I don't love you ? Yes, I am.. When I say that to myself in my mind, I can feel my heart aching and the sour feeling overwhelming me right at that instance. So without me even saying anything, my heart already tells me it's a big fat lie to myself.

I will wait and fight endlessly to win your heart over. But at the same time, I must go back to riding. I only hope I don't lose it totally when I ride. I know that it will be difficult to focus on my riding from now on. Maybe I will go over the limits ? I think I will, because I would not mind one bit to end all I have at the tracks. At least, it ended while I was doing the thing I loved most and that I loved someone with all my life and placed her above everything else in my life. Although she won't be by my side. Perhaps I should ride faster than my guardian angel can fly.

No, don't thank me for all I've done. I do them because I love you. It's as simple as that. I choose to sacrifice also because of the exact same reason. It's all very simple. I do them all for one thing. Love.

There is the one day I dread its arrival. The thought of that day has finally came into my mind today. I pray everyday, wish upon the stars and gripped my hands together everynight hoping that I can win you over before that day comes. I want you to come before that day comes along.

That day will be when I reach my limits of riding in my current state and if I want to go any faster. I will need to clear up my mind and stay very focused on it. And to do that, I will let go of everything which I held so dearly to my heart once.

Everytime I pray, I tell the one up there. Please don't let me make this sacrifice before its too late.

Don't let that day come please.. I don't want to make all these painful sacrifices for riding again.

Baby, you're not never alone, I'll be by your side. You know I'll take your hand. I'll keep holding on because I know we'll make it through. I wish for you to be here before it's too late. This could all disappear in the blink of an instance. Before the doors closes and comes to an end. I will fight till the end. Nothing will change destiny, whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly.

Can you hear me whispering to you every night, I love you..

2007-07-23T20:09:00.000+08:00

Wake me up when my sweet dream arrives..

I detest sleeping nowadays.. in fact, I try to sleep as minimum as my body can take it. I stay awake even if I'm tired unless I really can't take it anymore. Everytime I close my eyes, I see you and I miss you so much that my heart aches. Everytime I try to fall asleep.. I'd think of you before anything else actually comes to mind. Not that I'd wish for your presence. But, how is it that you still can't be happier than ever. Is this all I can do ? Can I do any better for you ? Is there anything that I left out..

Everyday in life, we make choices and decisions. Even if we don't want to and hate to do them. In the end, we still choose and decide inevitably and sometimes subconciously.

I feel intimidated by the SBK riders when I watch them ride over the weekend. I have pressure to perform when I go up in September for the next round. Many people will be looking at me to put in good timings when I ride. I will try my best and work extra hard. But I'm just worried my timings won't be good. Afterall, it's a new circuit to me and I have a lot to learn. I carry a big burden on my shoulders, because it's a known fact to everyone that though I'm the youngest and least experienced among them. I am well taken care by Bikelab and I get more support from them than anyone else. Since I have such special treatment, all the more I must perform.. They might not say anything, but I can feel the pressure on me..

Bikes and riding aside.. I hope one day, my care for you and my faith in my love for you will pay off eventually. It pains me to know that you don't feel loved with him. I love you and that's why I fight for the one I love. Even if it's an uphill battle and a tough fight, I'm not giving up.

The truth is, the very first time my lips touched yours. I could feel all the passion and love. I've never felt anything like this before.. You're the one, I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will give up anything and everything just to be with you. But even if I do that right now, you will not be by my side..

Choices; we make everyday.. in fact. Just like you choose not to be with the one that loves you the most. And I choose to stay by your side and love you even though you're with him.

Baby, I will stand by you, I will be there to love and be with you. This is all I can do for you..

2007-07-22T08:58:00.000+08:00

Found a little bit of time in between packing my stuff to check out of hotel..so here I am.

I decided to be silly and hold on. Simply because, I have faith in what I do. If I stay around for you always. Eventually, you will know who is the one that cares for you the most.

I'd rather you be selfish and keep me here than to send me away and be sad. Because if you can be happy by being selfish. I'll stay with you. Even if it means I'm going to get hurt and I'm on the losing end. I don't feel that I'm on the losing end though. Because I will still be able to see you and care for you..

The biggest factor that made me change my mind was, when I asked myself the question. Do I really love you ? The answer is a definite yes. Therefore, if I really love you. I should never leave you alone and I must stand by your side no matter what happens and to be there for you all the time.

I've to go now.. I'm going for breakfast then straight to the garage at the track to help out.

Take care.. I'll be back soon.

2007-07-20T17:47:00.000+08:00

It was the most passionate kiss I've ever had with you. When our lips touched, I wanted everything to freeze in that moment.

It is the one kiss that I will never forget and leaves deep memories in me. I held on to you for as long as I could. Because when daybreaks, it will conclude everything. I could not do much.. because it was the one time when my heart aches the most and the sour feelings were there throughout the night. It isn't you. It's me, I felt so much pain and I really can't bear to let you go from me. So I wrap my arms around you throughout. I held back my tears the whole night.. I just didn't want to cry in front of you. My crying would only tell you how much you'd be missed and how much I can't bear to let you go.

I will feel very cold when I sleep back here for a long time come. I will miss having you around. I will miss everything about you..

I let you go, but I will still be here for you when you need me. I promise.. I will be here.

I gave my day to you because you deserve it more than anything or anybody else. With that said, I've to conclude now.. I will let you know when I return on Sunday night..

Baby, I love you always...

2007-07-19T22:02:00.000+08:00

Everything in life is destined and fated to be.

Just like our very first meeting.. If I never turned my head to look in the opposite direction that fateful day. I'd have never seen you. You'd have never known that someone actually cares for and loves you this much. And this is as much as I can give to you, given all the pain and heartaches I went through on my own.

I can still go on with all the pain and heartaches for sure. I know very well, I can do this for the girl that I love most in this lifetime.

I'm not giving you up, I'm letting you go.

If it's fated to be, we'll cross paths once again and hopefully things will be very different then.
Nonetheless, I hope he'll be able to love you more than I do. So that you'll truly be happy.

You might not hear from me so often anymore, but I'll always be here for you if you need me.

Soon, I will go back to riding.. eventually. How long I will take before I pick myself up. I don't know either.. Let's just say, I'm on a long break now.

Maybe you don't know, you hurt me real deep. But I stuck with you because I really love you and I just grimaced in pain and held on. I also know that if I am to carry on like this. I won't be happy at all. I've to let you go.

If you truly love someone, you'll let her go. And if she comes back to you. She is truly yours to begin with.

There're many things to speak of.. but I think writing it all down is pointless. I'll just speak to you face to face.. We all can't avoid this problem.. It has to be solved or concluded eventually. It will not do any good to either one of us if we let it dwell on.

Even if you leave me, I will still love you tomorrow.

2007-07-16T21:23:00.000+08:00

I wanted to keep you by my side today.. because I don't want you to go through the trauma again. Sometimes, we all have to be that bit of selfish to others by protecting ourselves even though we love them very much.

Yes, I want to be selfish and keep you here. Even if I've to get scolded by you and whatever else, as long as you stayed with me. I'll be happy knowing that you don't have to go through the trauma.

In the end, you still went anyway.. couldn't make you stay even though I tried. Somehow, I wondered if I could've tried harder. damn..

2007-07-15T14:42:00.000+08:00

My bike, if you can hear me.. just spit me off once. Spit me off real high and hard so that I will never wake up once I close my eyes upon crashing down. End it all for me please. I love riding so much that I can give my life to it.

I cannot focus at all. I tried to attack everywhere. Yes, I did.. but I went slower and slower. Because I just couldn't concentrate on my riding. I was all over the place. Couldn't even set the bike properly, because I don't even know what kind of riding I was doing.

Your absence makes me yearn for you very much. I no longer can ride... I don't think I can go any faster anymore. Because my mind and everything else is messed up by yours truly. I'm going to take a long break. I'm not happy when I ride at all. I keep going at it, because I just want to let it all out. Who knows ? Maybe, I'll never return back to the place where I sacrificed all I had. Just to be there and live my life out. God knows, I might have went too fast that I've lost myself before I even know it.

Your presence made me feel alive and that I didn't have to ride just to feel alive. Your departure is not a setback, but a loss. I think I've handled it okay.. just that when I go back to riding and try to go faster. I realise that I still miss you alot. Because, it requires my fullest concentration, but somehow.. at the back of my head. I know I've lost you. It makes me miss you alot and riding becomes very difficult for me. I don't want to ride anymore for now. I can't take that heartache everytime I push hard. I longed to see your smile this morning, the reason why I turned up but I was already prepared to be disappointed. I still wanted to try despite the fact of disappointment.

The fact, which I am very sure is. When you were around. I was so happy that I could go much faster easily. After you left, I told myself.. it still can be done. But, it's easier said than done. I struggled like I had just started riding. I never knew it'd be this tough. I had the fire for a while..but I've lost the fire and soul now. I want to get it back. But I know, it's not going to be easy. I'm seldom happy with myself because I demand alot from myself. You made me very happy during those times. I forgotten about demanding from myself. Because you were around back then. Just being with you, I am very happy. Nothing more to ask for. I can give up everything including myself just to have it once more, even if it's only for a second of my life.

Now, I drown myself in riding and hope to be obsessed with it. So that, I won't be able to remember you nor feel or hear my heartbeat. Which always misses you even until now. Although, I'm trying to fade away into the background..

I cried again, because I know everything is wrong.. to not even be able to ride was the last straw. It took its toll on me eventually. I broke down in front of my laptop once again. Pondering over why I could not perform. It should be like child's play. But I couldn't do it. Not even CLOSE ! In the end, I could not even see the bike in front of me as I slowly faded away...

2007-07-14T20:52:00.000+08:00

I never fail to make you angry.. my presence irks you. I still love you but I have to keep my distance because I only make things worst.

As much as I want to be with you. I can only look on from a distance. You'll be happier. Without me, getting on your nerves all the time. I don't know why or what is it I do. I talk less, do less. But it still happens anyway. I like having you around. But shit always happens. It seems like we're star cross'd. If it really is like this. I accept. Painful for me, but you'll be happier. I'll still be around for you.

I don't mind one bit having to be the one that suffers. As long as I see you're happy. That's good enough already. Nothing more to ask for. Maybe I've been selfish, like you said. It is time for me to pay my dues now. Perhaps I've been selfish unknowingly. On my own, I've always give and try to give as much as I can.

I always get shouted and scolded at. It is okay..not that I enjoy being in it. But, it's you. So, I just let you be.

I read somewhere. Everyone dies, but not everyone lives. I will die eventually, but I have lived out the life I want. Loved the girl I want with everything I got. Done what I've wanted. There're still more things to be done. But to accomplish every single one of them, though difficult. I'll still try. Even though, some are not quite possible in my current situation. But, I'm trying with all I've got.

baby, I will always love you..